(I’m reminded of the line from Chasing Amy : “All lesbians need is some deep dicking.”) Every so often, this alternating pattern will be broken up by an interlude in which two or three girls take a bath in a pond or stream. Next, they will introduce one or more of the girls to the joys of heterosexuality. First, the soldiers will fight a dinosaur. And because one of them just happens to be a princess, they are able to persuade the queen (Toni Naples, from Prison Heat and Deathstalker II) not to order the soldiers beheaded or castrated or whatever, provided that they hunt, and ultimately kill, the Great One. When the soldiers wash up on the island, some of the girls- subsequently dubbed April (Antonia Dorian, of Midnight Tease II and Vampirella), May (Griffin Drew, from Friend of the Family and Forbidden Games), and June (Michelle Bauer, of Witch Academy and Demonwarp)- get it into their heads that their prophesied savior is among them. Unfortunately for the girls, their own myths are quite explicit on the point that the Great One can be killed only by a man (to be recognized by certain features spelled out in prophecy), and that until that man arrives, they will have to conduct the sacrifice from the opening credits periodically to prevent the Great One from destroying them all. There are no men because (say it with me now) the female inhabitants of the island are a self-sufficient society of man-hating lesbians. You see, there are no men on Dinosaur Island for a reason.
He is also destined to be the bane of the soldiers’ existence, and simultaneously the only thing keeping them alive. In case you haven’t watched enough movies this bad to be familiar with the formulas and to make the predictions that follow inexorably from them, the Great One is one of those shitty dinosaurs, a Tyrannosaurus rex, to be exact. In fact, as the opening credits roll, before we are even introduced to the soldiers, some of those bikini-clad girls- and one whose costume consists more or less entirely of blue paint- are preparing to sacrifice one of their number to the Great One. And because we’re talking direct-to-video, it is also inhabited by big-breasted girls in furry bikinis.
True to its name, the place is inhabited by truly pathetic stop-motion dinosaurs. On the way, the plane crashes into the sea near the titular uncharted island. It concerns a trio of mutinous soldiers- called Skeemer (Richard Gabai, of Nightmare Sisters and Bikini Drive-In), Wayne (Tom Shell, from Hard Rock Nightmare and Surf Nazis Must Die), and Turbo ( Sorority House Massacre II’s Peter Spellos, later one of the busiest men in the anime-dubbing business)- who are on the plane to their court martial for charges that amount to them being general fuck-ups who have no business doing any job that requires them to carry firearms, along with the captain (Ross Hagen, from Night Creature and Wonder Women) and sergeant (Steve Barkett, of Dark Universe and The Aftermath) charged with escorting them to their fate. More direct-to-video putrescence that might prove mildly amusing if you were really bored or really wasted, Dinosaur Island is like what might have happened had the makers of Hardbodies attempted to remake The Lost World.